My Story Isn't Over Yet

I was 16 years old and in a very unhealthy relationship. One night we got drunk (again) and were physically fighting when friends picked me up and we took off. That night I used cocaine for the first time and cheated on my boyfriend (I was nearly raped when a friend heard my screams). As I got out of the car with the guy calling me names I hated myself more than ever.

What you don't know, what no one tells you about a lot of drugs is that coming down is horrible. I was already a kid carrying around a lot of bad emotional pain and so when the shame and cocaine depression hit me, and I wasn't even sober yet, I was half crazy.

I took some razor blades and walked a good half mile on my favorite trail out back of my childhood home and tried so hard to end it all. After all, I had ruined my life! I could never live this all down and go back to school!

Thankfully, after many tries I couldn't go through with it and only managed to scratch myself up pretty badly. I walked back home and back to my messed-up life.

The truth is, in a few weeks it didn't matter, no one cared, what mattered was that I learned some valuable lessons and I was a better person (that part took longer). But, before long life was amazing, more amazing than I could have ever imagined.

I never told anyone until almost twenty years later when my brother died from suicide. I wish I would have talked about it sooner.

Life will always be hard and sometimes hard to face, but no one is perfect. We all make mistakes and it will get better if you work at it. Growing and getting better and loving more is so worth it!

Loretta