My Life has Changed Forever
It’s been almost twenty months since my son Mitch took his own life. I ache to hold him every minute of every day. The guilt is unrelenting. I should have known he was in crisis, I should have been able to do something.
He was always impetuous, always making decisions and dealing, or in his case, not dealing with the consequences. I miss his huge smile and deep laugh. The twinkle in his eyes, they literally shined .
I’m learning to let go of some of the guilt. Learning that ultimately we are not responsible for someone’s else’s decisions, but as a mom it’s so hard . He was only 21 and still such a little boy. The heartache does not go away with time, you just learn to breathe, even though every fiber of your being is in agony.
How we survive this is beyond me, how we can even still be ,is a mystery to me. Time passes , the world continues on even though my child is gone. How is that possible?
I’ve learned to laugh again , to love again, to find joy occasionally. I doubt that I will ever be the light-hearted, grateful, joyous person I was before, but I’m here. I am functioning most days, and because I choose to be here that must mean I choose to live. Not just be alive , but to live my life.
Life without him is alien and unbelievable hard. I’ve changed , for the better I hope, his passing has taught me to love without limits , to try and not judge , to find joy where and when I can. I’ve also learned that it’s OK to not be OK all the time. He was here , he mattered , he was my life. But because of his decision my life’s path has changed, I guess I need to ride it out and see where I end up.